Blog

This can be an unique Guest Post by

Krista

of

Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is actually a queer girl web log which is entertaining and wise and only a little perverse and
WE LIKE IT
. Wouldn’t end up being a terrible concept to put aside sometime acquire sucked into an Effing Dykes wormhole, if you haven’t already. Just be sure you come-back here to learn this article, since it is special, as previously mentioned.

Hiya lezzers!

I’ve got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WOULD LIKE TO NOTICE A SCARY TALE??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get friend. Every person got your friend? Great. Hang on fast your pal’s hand.

‘Cause this is exactly a true story.

Ahem.

Not So Long Ago, while I had been very recently homosexual I Did Not even know I Became freshly gay…

An to older lesbian from the now-defunct queer club called


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I became totally merely indeed there to dancing)


provided me with some advice:

1)


Never ever open a combined bank checking account with your enthusiast



2)


You should not fake orgasms



3)


Guarantee a female’s fingernails tend to be thoroughly clean.

The sensible lesbian was at her late 40’s, an age-group thus far far from my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that I couldn’t even envision exactly what it needs to be like to be so old.

Just how unfortunate, I thought. Right here she actually is at a bar and she is old. I hope I don’t wind up lonely like the girl.

Is not it fun are the middle of a universe?

What some crap I found myself.

For reasons uknown, however, I walked away from

Za’s


that evening duplicating her three guidelines to me.

While I woke upwards, I imagined ones.

It absolutely was a lot like during the gold Chair, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb tend to be charged by Aslan to remember The Signs.


Never act like you do not re-read the Narnia boxed-set at least one time a year.

In any event! over the years, i usually recalled the 3 existence classes the lesbian had taught me personally. The woman advice generated feeling.

I never ever exposed a combined checking account with anybody.

I never ever faked sexual climaxes once more after the first few instances i did so it, recognizing I was, in fact, dooming myself personally to a perpetual cycle of shitty gender by enjoyable bad overall performance with my whines of “ecstasy.”

And I always covertly inspected a girl’s nails before I slept together.

Short? Check.

No scratchy edges? Always Check.

Clean? It Is search time.

But the reason why, nymphos?


What’s the fuss about nails?


What is actually with the short-nailed lesbian jokes? Just What?

After all, alright, I have it. It is more challenging to screw with extended fingernails. You might possibly puncture a lung or something.

But it is perhaps not difficult. I’ve had lengthy nails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t all of that tough — you merely make sure to utilize the pads of one’s hands.

So just why had been that lesbian therefore emphatic about thoroughly clean fingernails?

You guys, she was



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made a decision to-do some debunking.

Certainly nothing could truly occur if you had gotten banged by some body with dirty fingernails.

After which we recalled a tale so terrible I would practically overlooked it.

Homos.

Poor crap can happen.

This horror tale pertains to us thanks to my personal good-looking pal ”


Cai



,” who may have seen even more twat in heating than a kitty clinic on totally free Spay Day.

Ok.

Cai


was at Miami when she found a very hot femme we’ll phone


Katie.

Katie


smelled like sugar cookies baking, used a leopard-print bikini, had enormous silver hoops that shimmered when you look at the light, and possessed one of many best asses


Cai


had ever before viewed.

She secretly texted myself an image of

Katie

within share so she could boast, and I also texted right back,


“I would personally hit that till my personal hand dropped off.”

So, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


house that night. There was indeed some severe consuming.

While getting undressed


Katie


during the half-light,


Cai


watched one thing she hadn’t actually seen before:



Katie had cool nails.

Actually,




Katie




had a lengthy, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


cannot stop the psychological image of these fingernails clawing down her back while she fucked


Katie


, therefore animalistic intercourse commenced.

Cai


actually allow

Katie


fuck the lady, despite the reality she typically never ever allows anyone do that. Precisely what the hell, she realized. Heading home tomorrow. Never see this woman once again. I am able to get topped for every night.

Why don’t we fast-forward a few weeks, shall we?

Something was incorrect with


Cai’s


“area.”

Seriously, severely completely wrong. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish stuff had been oozing from this. So when we state some What i’m saying is too much. amounts. of. pus.

Cai


refused to go right to the lady-doctor.

Because being supportive is really what relationship is all about, when she explained, I stated,


“so that you at long last had gotten the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


chuckled nervously. She moved residence, googled “the clap” and became believing that she did, undoubtedly have actually gonorrhea. She decided to go, the very first time actually ever


(she had been 28),


to the queer-friendly neighborhood gyno hospital.

They didn’t understand what was incorrect together with her.

They tested this lady for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Absolutely Nothing.

Cai


was at some pain. She required answers. She was indeed placing the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for almost monthly now.

So they really provided their an ultrasound.

AND COULD YOU DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY FOUND.

Genital rips. All around the within her vag.

Many tears.

Cai


were torn to shreds. Her insides happened to be holding in ribbons. Looked like crepe paper birthday celebration decorations in there.

And every thing – every finally inch – ended up being contaminated.

It could look whenever Katie used her fabulous lengthy fingernails to offer

Cai


a vigorous drunk-fuck, nobody knew that her nails happened to be additionally a festering reproduction ground for



microbial vaginosis

.

Superb.

Cai


states have already been a stone-cold very top ever since.

My companion wikipedia says you can get horrible problems from filthy nails. Obviously, you will find occasionally staphylococcus microbes hangin’ out, that could result in any such thing from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And guess what otherwise?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna state.

That a good idea lesbian had been spot-on with her life classes.

Never open up a mutual bank account along with your lover.

Never ever artificial sexual climaxes.

And holy mother of goodness, check out a brand new strategy’s nails before screwing.

Or you are destined to endure the destiny of Cai.

THE FINISH

I Must question, however…

Have any of y’all actually become anything unpleasant from another women’s hands?

Or observed a person that did?

Or perhaps is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban myth?

My fingers tend to be inching to the travel-sized Purell package.

Now I need solutions.